My wife says Jesus can deliver me from alcoholism; how can I stay as far away from Jesus as humanly possible?

I almost went inside a church once but got into a fight with a horse in the parking lot, and it WASN'T because I was drunk, which I most assuredly was, but because of that horse's snotty attitude. No way I'm going to take that! Ever since the cops hauled me away, shirtless and cussing and still trying to get in a few last kicks at that mare, my wife has been harping on me about this Jesus thing.